I like me...

there was a time when i liked me...i liked who i was...So now that i am on this journey to reclaim that person, many questions have come across my path...what's wrong with me? what don't i like about me now? how do i go back to what i think i liked about me before?when my boyfriend first challenged me to "find myself", claiming that the woman he fell in love with is gone and he wants her back, i was taken aback and saddened by his statement. i would accuse him of calling me weak and broken. he has always said he doesn't see me as weak, or in need of saving, but that i have changed and the strong characteristics that brought him to love me aren't apparent. well, today while doing something as mundane as warming up my lunch in the breakroom, i had a moment of clarity........

there is nothing wrong with me. Period. I am who I am right now and that is all i can be. I recognize that i have allowed certain situations to negatively impact my emotions, and sometimes my decision and my focus, but there is nothing wrong with that. I am human, and ever-changing. I love myself, even at my lowest lows i still fight. i have overcome many situations that most would have never recovered from, and i did so with only my determination to be free and whole, and the Lord's ever-present help. i will not let ANYONE else's expectations define my character, or my learning process. i embrace everyday, every breath, every heartache, every moment as a chance to look into myself, and see what God sees. I accept who and what i am, body/mind/soul. no man can tell me who i am, who i was, or will be.

So, today I let go of:

-My uncertainty of me because of what someone else perceives.I am healed and whole because the Lord God Almighty lives within me. As long as His love is with me, I cannot be anything else. Checkmate, you ol' devil

And i shut up and:

-Stopped waiting for some existential awakening to embrace and love me right now, today, this minute, and say so be it to all else...there was a time when i liked me...

i liked who i was...that time is now.

Today is the first day of..../Damn I'm horny!

Today, i started making a change. I finally made it to the gym and had a modest workout. i was feeling so stiff and sore, but i kept pushing. i didn't get to the weights like i was supposed to, but i will save that for tomorrow. I didn't hit up Boston Market, or let the boyz at work talk me into the Chinese/Black Eyed Pea takeout order they had going around....it was me and Subway today. I feel good. I didn't stress over missing my sweetie today. i was missing his so hard this passed week, just weeping and crying everytime i thought about him. i'm feeling strong today. but man, work was ANOTHER story. I was so out of pocket today, i even left my car window down all damn day at work. Thank you Lord for keeping my car parked right where it was. it was one of those days at work, but i'm glad i didn't skip on hitting the gym. my baby wants to get me a personal trainer...i think that would be good. i really enjoyed working with the last personal trainer i had. i need the extra support and guidance.

Celibacy....wtF?! i hate it...i really do. i appreciate that my baby wants to focus his energies on his workout and getting himself back in shape, and he doesn' t want to be distracted, but man i miss being held and touched and kissed all over. ....lets just leave it at that lol.

i'm just glad that i finally just shut up and did what i was supposed to do. i am so damn tired of being tired and fat and sad. i want to be happy for real, and i know i am the only one who can do that for me. not my baby...not God...and not the Cheesecake Factory. just me, doing for me...and that makes me happy.

sabotage......love yourself

i spent alot of time sleeping and thinking today....sleeping becuz now that i don't have a part time job, i can stay up late...thinking becuz that's what i need to do now. i need to figure myself out. what do i want? what don't i want? who am i, and who do i want to be? i tend to put off a lot of things lately. going to the gym has become a personal joke becuz, i always plan to go, but never do, and i know i won't. why, is the question. not the excuses of why, but the real, deep down, dirty secret of why. fear. i am afraid all the time. i'm afraid of things that i shouldn't be afraid of. i am afraid to lose weight. it sounds so absolutely ridiculous, but it's true. i am afraid to become what i need to be. but i am also afraid of what i am. constantly tired, chest pains, joint pains, sluggish thinking, lack of concentration....the whole "i'm big and sexy" just ain't working for me, cuz ain't nothing sexy about this nasty azz stomach and these back rolls. and this double chin...and these saggy arms. NOTHING! if i knew what 70 felt like, i would say i am feeling that right now. so, i'm scared of losing weight....why? becuz that means i can't hide behind the fat anymore. that means i can't wrap myself in the blanket of annonymity that being fat grants. zero to no attention from men...no one paying attention to you at the stores. being fat is invisibility, and i think i like hiding there. when i was thinner, i was such a damn threat to these hating azz, insecure women that i always had enemies, haters, and never had many friends. combine that with the fact that i am young, black, and gifted....oooooooowwweee they don't like that. so being fat evens the playing field...i guess i just got used to having the home field advantage. i don't wanna play in Reliant stadium...i like the astrodome just fine. but now, the real me inside wants out. she's tired of carrying this load of shame and guilt, and she wants to be free. i blew my own mind when i thought about how i don't know what being smaller feels like. it's like trying to imagine what it's like to live in china. if you've never been, how could you really know til you go? never been to thin; don't know what it feels like. don't know what it feels like to not have my thighs rubbing together. don't know what it feels like to not have a stomach flapping around. what i have figured out is, remaining fat is my way of deferring my fulfillment. if i can stay fat, then i don't have to face my destiny of being a writer, or a motivational speaker, or just stepping into my future as the person i am supposed to be....becuz i wil always be just the fat cute chick, so no one will expect much. i wanna shine, though....i wanna shine in all the glory that God has given me. i don't care about the hating, insecure azz whoevers anymore cuz i have to breath....i have to live....i can't wait anymore...and i always see all these other people losing weight, and wish it was me. oh yes, i self sabotage. it's a perpetuated cycle from my mama and my ex husband. when mama was upset, we ate. when i was trying to do my thing (and succeeding at it) hubbie would put some food in my face. but i was the one who ate it; i know. it's not their fault. like right now, i should be at the gym, but i'm not. not that i can't exercise. i actually like exercising. sure, i get bored after a while, but that's becuz i am doing it on my own, and i hate following a routine. that's my other problem. i am sooo unstructured. the only place i really am on point is at work. i shine at work. i let myself down becuz i can....i won't complain. i've been doing it for years, and it's really sad and pathetic....so enough with the pity party...what i am gonna do about it? i'm skipping all around here cuz i am remembering things i thought about a long time ago. i have to love myself. i remember the first time i actually pondered that statement "love yourself". what does that mean? i came up with that it means doing for me all the stuff i would do for my boyfriend. being as dedicated to making myself happy as i would be to making him happy. loving myself means not giving up on myself and not letting myself down. it means putting myself first and not allowing others and things to interfere with that. loving myself is doing what i know i need to do for myself, and not making excuses cuz i'm the only one hearing them. i wouldn't lie to my man cuz i love him, but i lie to myself all the time. i don't hold myself accountable to myself. lol silly when you say it. i know inside something is missing, and i try to fill that void with food, entertainment...any little thing i can do to feel better. but it doesn't help. and i think it's more than God. what i am missing is not involving Him; it's involving me. i'm looking for love from outside to fill me-love from my man, love from my son....but really what's missing is my own love for me....i don't care about myself becuz i believed it when others didn't care for me. i believed that kind of treatment was what i deserved, so why care for me it he doesn't? why care for me if she doesn't? but they aren't around anymore....it's just me...and here i am, continuing the torture when my captors are long gone....what a good prisoner i make...the prison crumbled and faded away, and here i am still shuffling around like i am shackled. i need change, and i need God to teach me how to love myself.

Bleed it Out

So, today my boyfriend (or sweetie, as i like to refer to him) told me, "i want you to find you". Basically, ever since my stepmother passed away, and i left my ex husband i have been...different. i agree. for the past 2 years and 4 months i have been on a roller coaster of drama, emotions, heartache, and pain, and it has changed me for the worst. but i think marriage to a manipulative, abusive man-child was the onset of my change, and that was six years ago. When sweetie told me to "find me" i thought, "what?! i know who i am. I am an independent, powerful woman, dammit!" but i did take pause to really think about what he was saying. my sweetie basically has been there for me for the last two years, when much of my drama was unfolding. he has taken a lot of my bullshnazzle, witnessed a few of my breakdowns, and never once left my side, lashed back at me, or criticized me. he has been my physical manifestation of God's strength, love, and patience. so, i did not disregard when he said that he wants the strong woman he fell in love with back, and not this person that i am now. that hit me hard....real hard. am i that bad? am i that different? How i perceive myself then:
strong
determined
successful
on point
attractive
pulled together
confident and passionate

how i perceive myself now:

weak
overly emotional
unfocused
un-confident
scared
anxious
unattractive

i'm really not who i was....in many ways i have grown and matured. i know i am strong becuz i had the strength to leave a bad situation and become a self-reliant single parent. but i feel so weak becuz i am hiding from myself when i comes to my weight and health. i can't break this mental chain of fat! i think i have probably gained 100 pounds in the last 11 or 12 years. 100 lbs!!!!!!! and in the last 5 years since my son was born i have gained 50 of those lbs!!! i know my potential, but i know deep inside i am scared to realize that potential.....maybe becuz then i will be held responsible for bearing fruit. i don't know....but these are the things i plan on delving into in this blog....and hopefully, if someone else can learn, heal, realize from this pouring out of my soul, then i guess it's all worth it....